While there are plenty of defensive driving courses on the market, not a single offensive driving course exists. This is a problem and – quite simply – an injustice. I am always on the prowl for new ways in which I can help lacklustre communities grow. I care deeply about equal opportunity, that is, providing guidance for those who prefer to drive in a more confrontational way than is socially acceptable. With the help of the best drivers in New Farm, I have designed a world-class and world first offensive driving course. You’re very lucky to have access to it.
The ‘Get there first’ approach:
Try to imagine that every other car is going to wherever you’re going. If you’re going to the supermarket, so are they. What if there is only one parking space left? Get there first.
The ‘Being a genuine VIP’ approach:
You are better than them. You are a star. You’re the exception to every rule. You’ve come from a very complicated past and have grown into a complex, highly evolved individual. Only you know the extent of your incredible and ironic existence. It’s beautiful. Its valleys are so low and its pinnacles so high that the end result has transcended the comparatively simple subtleties of the English language. This is why you turn to art. But even then, you can provide only a tiny glimpse of the true you, and only through metaphors and the surrealist vases you make in your pottery class. Only through the amalgamation of every literary theory lens, can the preface of your magnificence be glimpsed. When you die, like a star, your light will only be beginning to glow for the ignorant eye of the herd. But you’re still alive. And you have no time for traffic lights and other fickle bullshitery.
The ‘Tailgatin’ Tone’ approach:
Play exciting games involving other traffic. You’re in no rush. You have nowhere to be. You don’t even usually exist until the presence of other traffic triggers you to spawn. You might as well have some fun. Consider the car in front of you. They’re in your way. How rude. Make absolute sure that you do not – at any point – see the road between them and yourself. To do this, you need to stay close behind them. Be incredibly aware. Never see the road. God help you.
The ‘Socialisin’ Sid’ approach:
Another trick is to interact with the community. Call out comments. Get some of your sickest buddies to pile into the vehicle. Make sure they all hate learning and hate people who like learning. These g-units need to have incredibly shit taste in music and interests. Play some recently released shit music at the loudest volume possible. When you’re ready, call out to any other human you come across. Aggressively remind them that they’re wearing glasses. Ask them if they would like to engage in some sexual activity. Explain that you think their hat/car/music is nice. Say “nice _____.” then laugh loudly in time with your sick buddies.
The ‘Look at me, pls look at me’ approach:
This one is easy, involves no ongoing commitment and is very popular so you won’t feel like you stand out too much. The problem, I suppose, is that standing out is the exact goal of this one. Go to the ‘Hardcore Accessories For Your Car’ shop and buy yourself a big pipe. Take it home and glue it to the back of your car. Next time you drive your car you will notice that it sounds very, very loud and very, very broken. DO NOT WORRY. This is only happening because you paid money to buy a pipe to glue to your car. What’s more, it was for this exact reason. Do not assume your car is broken. Assume it is awesome and, more importantly, realise you are awesome.
Just genuinely not really know what’s going on:
What’s going on? The cars in the furthest lane are turning right. The cars in the middle lane are going straight ahead. The cars in front of you are turning left. You’re not exactly sure what the pattern is. Where should you go? What can you do with this information? Turn right. Indicate left.
I’m not going to lie. Like anything nobel, the undertaking of this course will not be easy. Learning to unlock your full, offensive potential will take hard work and dedication. Be prepared to make many mistakes. Hell, I’ve made them. I’ve given way without even thinking. This one time, I turned to shout a generic profanity at this old man I saw walking on the footpath. In my enthusiasm, my arm brushed the indicator and alerted incoming traffic as to my plans to turn left. They realised early that they were safely able to turn onto the main road I was leaving. These things happen. It’s only when you stop trying that you really lose.
Ebony Graveur 